LONGISH POST IS LONGISH, so here’s a courtesy cut.
I don’t really ID as ace anymore, I should note – for about 5 years I was on some medications that had relevant side effects, coupled with my life experiences (or rather, lack thereof lol) up until I started taking them, I didn’t have a great baseline to compare anything to. So I wound up basically projecting what I was feeling in the moment to a whole history of experiences that may or may not have been relevant. (For this reason, I really don’t identify as anything gender or sexuality-wise anymore, since I don’t really care about predicting how I want to be seen tomorrow or who I’ll be attracted to tomorrow, beyond being able to say that I am almost guaranteed to be into giant dudes and giant dudely robots at any given time. Not having to worry about finding dates makes this 100% easier to actually do in practice.)
The question of libido and “how do I get turned on IRL” are still very valid, no matter the ID in question!
Jitensha fields similar questions a lot, which you’ve probably read, but I’ve found that they are relatable more than not and are handy to read if you haven’t yet.
A lot of what I tried to do in my GSRM blogging days was introduce the concept that I pretty lazily called a “kink drive” – a base physio-psycho-social itch that, I imagine, needs scratching like most people feel the need to put things in orifices with someone they don’t utterly hate until one or more of them climax. Hopefully rinse, maybe repeat.
The kink drive, instead of making climax the goal of the interaction, seeks to manifest or reinforce feelings of submission or domination (and if you’re lucky or practiced, this can result in achieving sub space or dom space – kind of like a runner’s high or hell, something zen-like, but kinky). Climax can be part of this and often is, but not always.
TL;DR: I have a sex life primarily for D/s reasons and not for “I have a libido” reasons.
As for the macro thing? Well, it’s a sensory and interpersonal thing for me. I didn’t always used to be this way, but I’ve worked on cultivating this mindset where I can recognize macro elements to interactions with my spouse, even though he’s a hair shorter than me. There’s a lot more to it than just being tall, too, yannow? Like he’s got way broad shoulders and is built like a brick house; whereas I’m basically a string bean. And there’s presence, too. He has a solid, heavy, and sometimes just plain authoritative presence that is easy for my weird brain to see as “he big”.
I slept with another guy a few times last year too; he was 6′4″, which is way taller than me, so I figured that the macro mojo would just ooze out of his every pore, right? Nope! I felt the same size as him every time we hooked up, which was disorienting, really. I quickly realized that he just didn’t have the presence or the body language that comes so naturally to my spouse, despite being a far more experienced kinkster and top. It was a big revelation for me, honestly, and it brought me even closer to my spouse. I’m not wondering about greener pastures anymore, you know? As a macro, where your kink doesn’t exist in the real world, it can be really easy to get lost in fantasies to the detriment of what you’ve already got. I’d warn about getting too caught up in daydreams, because it can really warp your sense of what “pleasurable” or “attractive” are.
But yeah, like I said, read through some of Jitensha’s answers to this stuff – iirc she’ll sometimes give more practical tips on stuff to try in bed. Stuff that works for me may not work for you, because like I said, I’m also heavily into BDSM ways of doing things, so a hand on my neck can make me feel small where for someone else it does no such thing.
Basically, you gotta find out what works for you! Trial and error can be frustrating, especially if you don’t quite look forward to climax as an otherwise reliable short-term payoff, but it’s worth it in the end.